In which I write again.

What is it that I want to leave behind in this world - I no longer know, at one point in my life, I wanted to be remembered as the person who always smiles. And, yes, people do tell me that I am always smiling. however, my insides aren't always smiling.

You see, what I had envisioned for my life is not what I currently have, yet, I am so attached to it because it is the only thing I know. It is the only thing I know that I want to be happy in relationship, that I want to work to make the world a better place. That I want to be generous and kind and loving and compassionate. That I want to lead a life that reminds people that passion is accessible. 

I once had a fire within that burnt so bright, ten years ago, it shone so brightly. I once had an air about me that wrote words so beautiful. I once had a grounding about me, rooted deep in mother earth - wait, I never had that. I never had the flow of crystalline water either. And perhaps this is what I am cultivating. 

I am thirty-three. It is two days after Christmas. I am a mother - a what now? Yes, I have a child who is turning 4 in 4 months. I have no job, yet I am listening closer to a drum that beats my calling and it's getting louder.

Louder.

Louder.

Louder still.