Quaran-themes: forgive

Lockdown came with a side of self compassion to me. Or an allowance of compassion towards self. And in turn, creating surplus to give to others. It's not easy particularly because nothing changed in my family dynamics due to lockdown, I think it's even giving me more solo parenting time. 

Communication is an area that requires a lot of work among the adults in my family (namely my partner and I) and with almost four years of marriage between us, there is a whole lot to forgive. 

I have taken pride in the fact that I never forget, and I don't, especially in those instances when I need to back up or justify an argument, a grudge, or a particular hurt that I am holding on to. I thought I would forgive. But I don't.

What makes it harder is that while being faced with what I perceive as an injustice, I find it hard to speak out, it has historically been a threat to my safety (speaking out is associated with physical and emotional pain in my book). This often results in feelings of (self) abandonment. I have been abandoned - or felt like I was - enough times that I do it instead of waiting around for anyone else to..

Defense mechanism.

It sucks.

In fact, I haven't forgiven my best friend at the time for telling me to go for something then deeming me a traitor when I did. I don't forgive my mother for promising things and not doing them. I don't forgive her for hurting me. I don't forgive my gynecologists for hiding her baby bump until I was telling her about my birth plan. I don't forgive my husband for locking himself up in a room and not talking to me enough during the very first month for me to live away from home.

The list goes on.

And it's time this ends because it's taking up too much space and energy and it's just draining me. So.

I forgive all those people and places and all the times I failed. All the times I did not follow my gut. All the times I chose safe over true, safe over make my heart sing. I forgive myself for all the times I hid and shrunk my truth to fit within a construct that I resent.