Rationalizing Tending to (my)Self

A Rant About Socialization

I have been experimenting with self care for the past three years. Before becoming a mother, I had a lot of time and a lot of freedom to spend it whichever way I please. I did work nine to five, but no one really had demands on my time like how it feels like with a live-in partner and a toddler. Because...not only am I expected to meet their demands based on both mine and my partner's socialization, but I am also expected to live up to certain expectations that come with the newly earned hat of being a mother.  

Oh wait, that's socialization. But anyway, the point is, I have to do a whole big chunk of parenting (read: most of it) a whole lot of household management (until I realized I don't have to) and I really like to have something to do, better yet if it feels fulfilling and has some sort of return (if you're into astrology, I have a VIRGO stellium in my second house)

Self Care

While pregnant, I got my first ever massage, I started getting a massage every month and I spent a lot of money on tending to my body and growing belly. Before that, exercise was my self care. Everyday before I go to work, I would go to the gym and exercise. The pattern I am seeing here now that I write this: self care, to me, always involved some sort of financial exchange, one that wasn't usually small. 

Last year, in November, I graduated as a Golden Lotus practitioner and that means that I can give myself my own movement practice, I can narrate my own meditations and guess what? I am not. Why? I think because I have a very hard time holding myself accountable. Especially when that accountability is towards the person I see in the mirror. Me. 

Why that is the case could be so many things among which are: 

• I don't necessarily take myself seriously
• I have a history of putting other people's expectations of me before my own desire(s)
• I don't really know what I want and need 

Neglect and Turning Point

This has led to me being so utterly neglected and dissatisfied - I lost my light. My face turned grey and my clothes got shaggier and shabbier by the day. I never lost the baby weight (granted, I now feel a lot more comfortable in my skin and accept my body the way it is - I would prefer to have more tone and strength, still. this is a sensitive parenthesis because I have a history of eating disorders and a family history of fat shaming..so I will leave it here and maybe get to it some other day)

I have a three year old and I love writing, I love learning, I love doing online courses, I love being on my laptop/phone to engage with all these things that I love. Except that I prefer using pen and paper to write. Which is great because I could use colors, draw shapes, generate frameworks, write stories, draw...engage my son. I could collect and I could write about more than one thing at the same time - I used to keep a square on my sheets of paper that I called an idea box where I would ponder or ask questions about things that pop up in my head that may or may not be relevant to topics that are being discussed. (if you're into human design, I am am manifesting generator and there's a lot that goes on in my mind almost all the time)

A-HA!

Yesterday, I was doing future writing (try it it's for free) and I came up with this framework which MADE SO MUCH SENSE TO MY RATIONAL MIND AND I AM SO THANKFUL. I can finally justify all the ways I tend to my needs, all the times I would *lowers voice* let my son get away with watching too much youtube so I could write or work or do some online studying.. or listening to some bone meditations (I have a code for a longer trial period, ask me). Anyway, here's my framework:

Basically how it works is that when I take good care of myself and this means that I tend to my needs and listen to my body, listen to what I want to be doing and schedule in time for that, I become an overall much pleasant person to be around. I am more giving and more generous, I find it a lot easier to receive, because I am not neglecting myself and I am not left in hunger (like how a mistreated dog would snap at people who attempt to care for it) - I show up better in all areas of my life. Work is very important to me and even if it doesn't necessarily generate income (yet) I love doing it. I love showing up for people, I love talking about things that tend to be philosophical, spiritual and conceptual. I love creating concepts and frameworks and processes. I love helping my friends in that way. 

Through Line

When I worked in economic development, I wanted to make sure everyone has a choice, everyone realizes that they have a choice, and to me at the time, a choice would be possible if you know and if you are in good health and that is how I defined empowerment. Today, I think a lot more about empowerment through embodiment, through expression and through walking your path and doing that with integrity and staying true to who you truly are - which sometimes could be who you want to be and that's okay. 

Yes, it is okay.